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Squirrel Conspiracy
Well, I thought I would share this bizarre story with people who appreciate this type of thing.

I’m working on a big project at work that is really irritating because it involves budgets and my commission for 2005. I was kind of in a groove but around 2 PM, I had about all I could take and was starting to see 2 computer screens. I decided I needed a break and what better way than a long, epic road bike ride. So I dressed in my cycling stuff. A Little cool so I pulled out the arm warmers, (I know, I’m a pansy), and set out for 25-30.

It was a really nice day but little on the cool side so after a few miles of spinning, I settled into my pace. There was a lot of wildlife out today, I guess getting ready for the winter. I rounded a curve on a slight down hill and there he was. About 50 yards ahead of me, sitting in the middle of the road - Mr. Squirrel. I only noticed him because he looked like he was into something and was twitching his tail as all squirrels are known to do.

I saw that he was doing the "happy dance" as they often do when trying to decide on left or right. As I approached at about 24 MPH, he made a move right, then left then right again and off the side of the road. Well, I figured he made the right move because I took my concentration off for a split second.

First mistake. As I was about 15 feet away, he suddenly made a suicidal dart as if shot from a bazooka right at my bike. He hit the front wheel head on right into the spokes. I jerked the bike left.

Second mistake since I was not aware that there was a pothole the size of Lake Norman that he had been sitting in originally. It’s a good thing I have a certain amount of bike handling skills or I may be in Lake Norman Medical Center right now. But I digress.

As Mr. Squirrel hit the spokes, I heard a loud ping, then a thud. I figured the worst but after I gathered myself I pulled over and checked things. No real damage but he did leave a pretty good tuft of hair and a smattering of blood on my spokes. They don't call them bladed spokes for nothing.

Then I looked over on the right side of the road and Mr. S was sitting there looking slightly dazed and confused. I figured it would be the humane thing to check on his condition so I walked towards him.

Mistake number 3. He was apparently not too happy he didn't cause more damage or a wreck because he came at me again. I don't run as well in cycling shoes as I do in running shoes but I moved pretty fast for a 40 some year old guy being chased by a squirrel.

He ran across my foot and then turned around and came at me again. I put the bike between us. I know that sounds funny considering how I love my bike but this was life or death. We played tag on either side of the bike for a few seconds and then I guess he felt like he had won so he backed off.

I mounted my trusty steed again and set off for the remainder of the ride quite shaken with this little episode. I had a hard time getting going as I was looking for squirrels at every turn. I saw a lot of them and they all appeared to be laughing at me. I don't know but there seems to be a conspiracy of some sort between the cycling community and the squirrel clans.

Be very careful, I think they are out to get us. I’m going to go get a beer. I don't know if it will help as I am really scared of these guys now. I am even considering putting a holder for an assault rifle on my bike. These guys are mean. ;)

I know I am going to catch a wrath of grief about this but remember, I warned you all about this conspiracy. It was just me this time. Who knows how many of us they are watching.....................

- Kevin Scruggs





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